Recently, a coworker just asked me a question about my marriage. “How do you make time for each other?” It is something I get asked a lot. It is pretty obvious we made some time for each other at one point or another in that we have evidence of making time.
The beginning it was easy. Everything was new and exciting. Talking to each other, sitting so close that in a dark corner we were one silhouette. The future, wants, dreams, fears. Memories. Opinions. Conversation and physical contact were one and separate. We were young and fell hard. We had both left relationships that had caused us deep emotional harm.
But time moves forward. We have grown older and we have grown apart in some ways. In other ways we are closer. We work to make this work still. We take trips to be together. But we are two people that arrived in a place together.
We are still two people. We had very different upbringings, we have different interests and we have very different tastes in movies. But we have a lot in common and we enjoy each others company.
Relationships get pushed to the back burner as life gets hectic… especially when you have kids. Sometimes the partnership of keeping tiny drunken lunatics alive makes the relationship become harder. For a while my husband and I basically only discussed the kids. We went opposite directions and never came together for the mental intimacy that is necessary.
We grew differently. He left on a great adventure. His family that he loves so much was out of sight and out of mind. he made some choices that shattered a small part of me. choices still breath through the cracks left behind. Those choices profoundly changed the dynamic of our relationship.
The version of me my husband fell in love with is mostly gone now. The version of me he fell in love with was incredibly unwell. She haunts me still. Lingers in the background of me and keeps me awake at night. causes me to forget to make dinner, pay bills. Sometimes her anger and instability starts to leak through.
The man I fell in love with is mostly gone now. He is different now than he was at 21. More stable, less spontaneous. However, he is also more comfortable being himself all the time.
We have grown as individuals. Which means we work at knowing each other and the people we are becoming. I love him and the life we have but it is a quieter relationship then the tumultuous, intensity of our youth. We love the person each of us has grown into. It isn’t bad but it is different. Love is not static.
Love is a living breathing thing. It must be cared for and allowed to change. It has changed slowly in some ways and in other ways it has changed quickly.
I am not static. My husband is not static. We grow and change because we are alive.
People seem to look into the dressed window of our lives and see… something. It is carefully curated to look this way: easy. it isn’t any relationship is hard and adding in flaws and five small humans makes it even more challenging.
But that is what makes a relationship worthwhile. The downs are downs but they make the ups so much more delightful.