My heart didn’t know it could love this way until I was already up to my neck in motherhood. Love is exponential and never ending. Love, it grows and ebbs because it is alive, it needs to be nurtured and it needs to be recognized for it to thrive. Mother’s day has many people thinking about their mother’s, about motherhood and how to be a better mother.
I didn’t want children. I wasn’t raised in a open and affectionate childhood. My mother loved us in an amazingly practical way. My mother is ever practical and also reserved in her affection. It wasn’t warm and it had some truly dark moments. My parents are human and have truly human flaws (you can read a bit about it here)
My mother loved us the best she could and at the time it was painful. Painful to see the love other mother’s poured into their children that was so tangible and physical. My mother loved us by working hard and in that had to be absent. She loved us by giving us what we needed and sometimes that pushed a hug or eating a meal together aside. My siblings and I have varied paths on how to deal with the emotions from a childhood where we clung together to emotionally survive.
But because of this jaded view on nurturing I didn’t want kids. I had no idea of what my spirit was capable.
Everyday my cup spills over.
I knew that being a mother and a partner in parenthood with my husband was a great gift.
Number One and Two are lights in the world. Opening my eyes to the love that can be given and received. I am so blessed to be a part of their growth. For all it is worth I give thanks every day that their biological mother brought these 2 amazing young men into the world.
My biological children… Three, Four and Five: my knowing each of them begins before they breathed this air or felt this sun on their faces. Each a private conversation for 40 weeks (41 for Five). When a woman is pregnant there are moments of turning inward, of a small psychic connection between her and her child.
Sometimes, Motherhood is exhausting. It is hard and painful and emotional. It is never perfect. But in it’s challenges and moments of frustration there is a lesson. There is an never ending reward of helping this amazing combination of you and your love become an adult. The reward is the journey. The reward is watching them grow into adulthood, seeing their successes and their failures. Not to solve every problem but to nurture them to be able to solve their own problems.
Motherhood is the gift that I never knew I needed. This mother’s day I thank the universe for giving me these humans to watch, teach and learn with.