My baby screamed for an hour. From midnight to 1:15 am. one fifteen in the morning. I held him. I nursed him. I laid him down. I held him. I walked miles (a basic guesstimate) in a circle in the living room. He screamed until I laid down with him and he finally fell asleep.
Five thrives on human contact. On physical reassurances when he is having a difficult baby moment. Cuddles and the warmth of love is how he is soothed. (Totally different from the others) Last night was filled with lots of 9 month old difficulties. Teeth and growing and maybe a little stress from face planting while walking around uneven surfaces.
This is sooo hard. I am exhausted. Husband is exhausted. One to Four are wide awake. They slept like logs. Getting up this morning was painful; my eyes burned. Five had finally fallen into that deep floppy baby sleep at 6:30. Which is ten minutes after I was supposed to be up getting the other kids ready for school.
Exhaustion can lead to a snappy crab Momma monster. Coffee can keep that beast lulled. But there is really only so much coffee.
Today, after a long and painfully sleepless night, after running the older kids to their respective schools: Four and Five made my heart soar. They were playing together, Four showing Five how to use the little xylophone he received for Christmas and she would dance. The dancing, the music, the laughter. It filled the morning air. Playing together without bickering or crying or any of the other things that constitutes “playing together” when you have siblings. Just making joyful sound.
Moments like this make me remember the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by String Cheese Incident:
Can I lay down tonight
Without feeling regret?
I know the love that I give
Becomes the love that I get
The small moments when they are in the world all alone are moments that rejuvenate me as a mother. Honestly, as a human, these moments giving me faith in the future and that maybe I am doing ok. Even when I accidentally forget to make sure they all of jackets when we leave the house. The love of my family lights my way and grows exponentially… even when I haven’t slept in 10 months.
Life can be trying but sometimes we just need to have a moment where we dance to a feel good song.